I absolutely LOVE working with teenagers. It’s impossible to work with teenagers without learning a new thing or two. For example, my husband has been leaving me “on read” for years now. I had no idea I should be offended at this until I started talking to teenagers.
Anyway, all this time I spend with teens has me reflecting on my own teenage years. It can be tempting to place adult standards on the adolescent brain. After all, they do a lot of adult stuff. They work jobs. They drive cars. Many of them are adult-sized. But, we do our teens a disservice when we expect them to have the wisdom and logic of adults. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT MY PARENTS DID TO ME IN 2001 AND I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT!!!!!
When I, my sister and my cousin were 16, our parents were planning a weekend trip out of town. The three of us saw this as a golden opportunity to enjoy some much overdue freedom. Armed with a Powerpoint presentation, we convinced our parents that we were ready for our first solo weekend! They were on board but had one simple condition: no boys. Simple enough. The suitors weren’t exactly lining up for us, so temptation was low. Plus, it would afford us the total freedom that we needed to write song parodies and practice our Tae Bo.
My older brother was living at my parents’ house, so obviously we couldn’t stay there. He was- technically speaking- an adult and we couldn’t afford to have that kind of presence interfering with our weekend. We decided that we would stay the nights at my cousin’s home. Not being the rebellious type, we had no intention of inviting any boys over. But, we did have some close guy friends and we figured they would want to hang out. So, naturally, we invited them over.
If you are an adult reading this, you might be confused. You are probably thinking “we had no intention of inviting any boys over” and “we invited boys over” are two contradictory statements. But hear me out:
1. Our parents had specifically instructed us that we were not to have any boys over to my cousin’s house, wherein we were to sleep during their departure. We, however, invited the boys over to MY house- in technical adherence to their rule.
2. As mentioned earlier, my older brother- an adult- was residing at my parents’ home. Was he home at the time in which the boys were invited over? Heck, no. He was off doing adult things like delivering pizzas and hanging out with his girlfriend. Therefore, the house to which the boys were invited would indeed- at some point- have an adult presence in the home. Thereby reducing the likelihood of any tomfoolery.
The logic was ROCK SOLID! So rock solid that we never even gave it a second thought when our parents called us later that evening to check in. My sister, without a moment’s hesitation, proclaimed, “We’re doing great. Just hanging out with the boys.” “YOU HAVE BOYS OVER!?!?!?!” At this point, my dad lost his ever-loving mind. He was incredulous at the idea that he had given us one simple rule and we had managed to break it the minute he left town. He informed the other parents and our grandparents who were all appalled but for different reasons.
“Did you even give them snacks?” my Aunt Carol questioned. She was utterly horrified that we would have invited guests without providing a cracker tray. My grandparents couldn’t help but chuckle and defend us because grandparents are cool like that. “If they knew they were breaking a rule, why would they have admitted it as soon as you called?” Exactly!
We shut down the party and sent the boys packing-despite that fact that our gathering was just some good ol’ fashioned, clean fun. After all, only two out of six of us had jumped off the roof that night and that the cops had only showed up once the entire evening.
My dad’s mantra for the next several days was this: “You weren’t thinking!” He was appalled at what appeared to be an impulsive decision made with little to no thought. But that’s the thing…we were thinking. We were thinking about how fun it would be to be with our friends. Also, my parents had technically said we couldn’t have boys over to my cousin’s house. And technically we followed that rule. But what we didn’t understand was the gist, the context, or the spirit behind the rule. Turns out we weren’t alone in this.
Dan Seigel- a psychiatrist, a researcher and my celebrity crush- calls this hyperrationality. Simply put, it’s the tendency of the adolescent brain to weigh positive outcomes more heavily than negative. Our decision to invite the boys over wasn’t an impulse. In fact, it was a carefully reasoned decision. But our ability to see the negative consequences was limited. Fun fact: this is why scare tactics don’t often work with teens!
Teenage years are difficult for parents and teens to navigate. But understanding how the adolescent brain works is crucial in helping us to steer teens in the right direction. For example, Dan Seigel notes that helping teens cultivate intuitive feeling, i.e. gut-feelings, can lessen the effects of hyperrationality. Mindfulness practices (yoga, meditation, body scan, etc.) can help teens be more in tune what is going on in their body. Teens who can learn to regularly check in with their intuition and bodily sensations are more likely to make good choices. When we know how the adolescent brain works, we can learn to work with it and not against it.
I’m sure you are dying of curiosity to know how our weekend of freedom ended. I wish I could say the poor decisions ended there. The following day, my sister and cousin purchased a live chicken for no good reason. (Side note: I had nothing to do with this. As the most responsible teen of the group, I was working as a party hostess at the skating rink when the chicken was purchased.) Our dad returned home and grounded us but my cousin was somehow able to escape punishment, as was her custom. We didn’t understand what the big deal was at the time. We weren’t attracted to these guys and we weren’t inviting them over for any funny business. But, in an interesting twist of fate, the three guys we invited over that night are now our HUSBANDS and we can basically hang out with them whenever we want…SO TAKE THAT MOM AND DAD! BOOYAH!
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