The summer after my senior year of high school, I received a phone call from a lady from my church. She knew that I would be attending LSU in the fall and offered me a student position at her workplace. It was a state job that was only a few minutes’ drive from LSU. I had the flexibility to choose my own hours to accommodate the ever-shifting schedule of a college student. It was easy, monotonous work that was perfect for a gal trying to transition into college life.
Part of the job included basic office tasks that full-time employees couldn’t be bothered with. Filing, shredding, sorting. Things of that nature. But the primary task assigned to me was answering phone calls for the Medicare Savings Hotline. I had been given an overview of the program, eligibility criteria and potential benefits to the citizens of Louisiana. Armed with this basic information, I merely had to answer the phone, field a couple of questions, and mail an application. Easy cheesy, lemon squeezy.
Day in and day out, I answered the phone, “Medicare Savings Hotline, this is Kelli. Can I help you?”
“Medicare Savings Hotline, this is Kelli. Can I help you?”
“Medicare Savings Hotline, this is Kelli. Can I help you?”
As you can imagine, I was able to provide this greeting with great precision and accuracy. The phrase was so ingrained in my brain that I sometimes struggle to not answer my phone that way, even today. A simple and basic salutation: “Medicare Savings Hotline, this is Kelli, Can I help you?” Simple and basic until one fateful day when this simple and basic greeting turned unintentionally pervy.
The hotline had been slow and I had grown tired of playing snake on my Nokia. There was nothing more to do than reread the Medicare Savings Application form, which- at this point- I had read a thousand times. My mind drifted to earlier that day when I had helped a potential participant fill out the form, as a service of the hotline. Fill out the forms. “Fill” being the keyword here. The phone rings, rousing me from my semi-dissociative state, and, without hesitation, I answered “Medicare savings hotline, this is Kelli. Can I fill you?”
A moment of clarification here. I have a smidge of a southern drawl which means that many of my word pronunciations are basically indistinguishable from their similar though distinctly different counterparts. For example, for me foil is pronounced identically to foal. Like the baby horse. Bell and bail and bale are also identical. My last name, Hill, equals heal and heel. Therefore, when I answered the phone on that day, I essentially said “Medicare Savings Hotline, this is Kelli. Can I feel you?”
Feel you.
You can imagine the shock, horror and backpedaling I had to do when I realized I had accidentally offered to grope the elderly man on the other side of the phone. In my panic, I began spewing nonsensical apologies, “I’m sorry! I meant help you! I was thinking about something else!” Which honestly, was not the greatest explanation. Does it make the situation any better if this man thinks I was thinking about feeling someone? To make matters worse, I didn’t have a private office. I shared my office with a middle-aged man named Keith who’d borne witness to this major faux pas and a clear violation of Medicare Savings Hotline policies. I hung up the phone and offered a vague explanation of my behavior. Keith wasn’t buying it. I could tell. In his discomfort, he offered a suggestion that I just be a little more mindful when answering the phone. No kidding, Keith.
Keith and I carried on about our business. He completed his tasks for the day. I stared at the wall, mentally replaying what has proven to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
Something changed in my mind that day. I have held a number of jobs since my freshman year of college- most of which involved answering the phone at some point. On occasion, when I hear the phone ring, a small voice inside my head whispers, “Better not offer to feel anyone today.” I relive the moment all over again. I panic. I mentally buckle down and hesitantly and carefully state “This is Kelli…can I help you?”
This slip has also impacted my public speaking. On occasion, I have been asked to speak at certain events about mental health. Most times, I spend weeks preparing information, gathering sources, creating a presentation with the accompanying handouts. I practice my spiel in the mirror until I have a firm grasp on all of my speaking points. I eat, drink and breathe my presentation until my confidence level is at its peak. Then, without fail, just before I get up to speak, my mind races with a list of foul words that I do not want to say while public speaking. Now, not only does my mind warn me not to “feel” anyone, it provides me with a comprehensive list of vocabulary words which would be equally, if not more, humiliating. This, my friends, is called an intrusive thought.
Intrusive thoughts are basically worst-case scenario thoughts. Like, really awful worst-case scenarios. These types of thoughts can be debilitating for those who struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder or PTSD. But, intrusive thoughts themselves are also just part of the human experience. Think about it. Our brain’s primary job is to protect us. Not only does it protect us from physical harm, but it also attempts to spare from any social humiliation as well. For example, I have never- not once- spoken a dirty word during a presentation. But seeing this as a potential threat, my brain warns me nevertheless. Some of the more commonly reported intrusive thoughts center around sexual deviance, suicidal or homicidal impulses, and violent urges with no intention of acting on these thoughts. The never-ending “what if…” questions in your brain. If you have ever experienced these disturbing thoughts, you are not a sociopath. You are a normal human being.
Our brain is trained to scan for potential threats, but it’s also primed to remind you of past threats. Perhaps your deepest moments of shame. You’ll notice that I described the hotline moment as “embarrassing” and not shameful. Embarrassing meaning, “Haha! We can laugh about this someday!” Shameful meaning, “There is something intrinsically wrong with me.“ Where the effects of embarrassment tend to dwindle over time, shame serves to confirm our suspicions that we are unworthy and unlovable human beings. Unlike embarrassment, its impact doesn’t dissipate. Rather, it accumulates- adding evidential proof of our insufficiency and inadequacy. It’s a gnawing sensation. A pit in our stomach. A palpable feeling of being not good enough. And when intrusive thoughts tap into this deep, dark corner of our soul, we are flooded with physical and mental anguish. Unable to learn, progress, or sometimes even move.
If you are anything like me, the intrusive thoughts and memories can pop up during the best times. Sometimes I might be reveling in the high of a career success. I’ll call my husband, my mom, my sister- basically everyone I know to celebrate. And then, the still small voice in my mind whispers, “Don’t get too happy. This could all go away in a split second.” Or sometimes, that same voice whispers “This is great, but remember when you did that really dumb thing in college? You aren’t really qualified for this, are you?” It’s almost as if our brains are trying to pull back the reins on our happiness before we get too ahead of ourselves.
We aren’t perfect and neither are our brains. Though well-intentioned, its constant reminders of past mistakes or potential threats can be incredibly annoying and downright disturbing at times. Our go-to strategy is to not think about it- to distract ourselves or even use the infantile technique of plugging in your ears and saying “la la la la la la”. Unfortunately, these strategies often give these thoughts more power and more brain space than they deserve. More than likely, you are familiar with the idea of thought suppression. For example, I’m going to need you to not think about a piece of cheese….wait for it…..bingo. You thought about a piece of cheese didn’t you?
The more we try to suppress these thoughts, the stronger they can become. Here’s an idea. Instead of trying to avoid these thoughts, maybe try accepting them. They are, after all, a normal part of the human experience, right? Here’s what that might look like. When you have an intrusive thought or memory, call it what it is. Label it an intrusive thought in your mind. Next, thank your brain. “Thanks, brain! I know you are looking out for me and I appreciate your help. But honestly, I think it’s pretty unlikely that I’m going to drop an F-bomb during this presentation.” It’s basically a backdoor-ninja-way to find a little relief from the thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts remind you of past trauma, failures and discomfort. They also attempt to predict future failures. Either way, these thoughts are centered around the past and the future. Grounding into the present moment is a simple strategy for anchoring into the here-and-now. I usually tell people to start tuning into their senses. For example, right now, I am wearing a comfy sweater and my go-to stretchy pants. I can feel my feet pressing firmly into the ground. I am tasting the last deliciously sweet morsel of king cake from this Mardi Gras season. I hear the fan and can smell the minty aroma of my chapstick. Guess what I wasn’t experiencing that fateful day at the Medicare Savings Hotline? Any of these things! Grounding allows me to come back to the present moment, where I am safe and secure, away from any threats the Medicare Savings Hotline has to offer.
Just this morning I was sharing the hotline story with a co-worker. This incident occurred almost twenty years ago and my face turned just as red as the day I offered to feel someone. Although I can laugh about it now, my body was having the same reaction as the original incident. Relaxing my muscles is a quick and effective way of dissolving the anxiety holding firm in my body. I scan from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes, relaxing the areas where I am holding tension. It’s a great anxiety hack that you can try too! You might have to do this repeatedly, but when you become intentional about relaxing your muscles, you can prevent your stress level from spiraling out of control and going down the rabbit hole of shame or embarrassment.
Lastly, we can’t have a discussion about intrusive thoughts without bringing up trauma. I’m going to label the Medicare Savings Hotline incident of 2002 as a “non-traumatic” memory. Or, in the least, a processed memory. But it’s helpful to know that traumatic incidents don't just include “the big stuff” like car accidents, acts of violence or war. These types of trauma involve a serious threat to the safety of one’s self or others and are often labeled “Big-T trauma.” But trauma itself simply refers to events that have occurred that are beyond the individual’s ability to process at that moment. When you think about it that way, many of us have experienced some level of trauma, even when our lives weren’t in danger. With trauma comes intrusive thoughts and feelings of shame. “I could have prevented this.” Or “This is my fault. I’m worthless. I’m not good enough,” etc. Some of these thoughts and beliefs are so deeply entrenched in our brain, it’s hard to find them without the help of someone else. Therapy allows for a client to identify the problematic incidents that could be the source of these intrusive thoughts and memories while processing through feelings of shame. It can foster a sense of freedom from the thoughts that seem to plague us with their random appearances.
To sum this up in clinical terms, intrusive thoughts and memories are THE WORST! They are basically one of the least fun things about the human existence- like colonoscopies, nasal congestion and papercuts. They range in severity from “Oh, that’s a weird thought” to “I can’t function anymore.” Strategies like mindfulness, deep breathing, grounding and body scanning can serve to be incredibly helpful in assuaging the gut-wrenching aftereffects of an intrusive thought. Sometimes a therapist is necessary and there is no shame in that! In fact, call me- I know some good ones! After reading this, I really hope you guys are “filling” better about yourself.
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