Long ago, my sister and I formed a sacred oath of twinship. We agreed that- so long as it is within our ability- we would make contact with each other on the daily…and I mean daily. As in, “Hey,-how’s-the-honeymoon-going-daily-basis.” In clinical terms, one might refer to this as enmeshment. But, we were fortunate enough to find husbands who are understanding of our bond and find our covenant to be minimally invasive.
As you can imagine, our close bond lends itself to a full range of conversation topics and emotional displays. Most of the time, our conversations end with typical pleasantries. On the rare occasion, they abruptly end with frustration followed by a dial tone. (j/k, y’all. We don’t use landlines.)
Since we talk every day, you can imagine that our conversations entail a LOT of advice giving. And, I don’t mean to brag, but our Dad says we are really smart, so….the advice is like, REALLY good advice. Allow me to give you some background information on us for context.
Kelli: eldest twin, BS, MAMFC, LPC-S. Also, I minored in Latin in college just for funsies.
Kerri: BA and winner of the WHS Home Ec. Award circa 1999, 15-year veteran teacher.
We are basically as qualified as they come, right? While we are certainly experts at doling out the advice to each other, we are not the best at taking that advice. For instance, earlier this year, my sister, who is a teacher, kindly provided me with a list of questions to ask during the upcoming parent-conference day. My response was, “Uhhhh….yeah, I’m not asking that.” And, on the other hand, much of the advice I have given her has fallen to the wayside. Every once and a while, there might be a golden nugget that we heed. But in general, we can get pretty obstinate with each other. As my sister so eloquently states, “we know how the sausage is made.”
The old adage, applied to this situation- basically means this: We value each other in the professional sense. I know she is an excellent teacher. And I’d like to think she considers me to be a pretty dang good therapist. But at the end of the day, I’m not taking advice from the same gal who once threw a framed Reba McIntire poster at my head. Also, she once had to go on a soft-foods only diet because I whacked her in the teeth with a golf club. (I swear this was accidental but apparently she still holds a grudge.) All that to say, we are intricately intertwined in each other’s lives and even our sagest wisdom seems to fall short when dispensed to each other.
I truly value our relationship and find our daily conversations incredibly beneficial. I’m so grateful for our relationship and the opportunity to process my grievances with a trusted family member. But, of course, there are times when our daily chats just aren’t cutting it. Some of our problems, stubborn emotional ruts and bad habits persist despite the daily chats.
A common hesitation regarding therapy I hear is this: “Why would I pay to go talk to someone? I talk to my best friend every day.” Or sometimes I even hear the reverse, e.g. “Why do you want to go to therapy? Why can’t you just talk to me?” If I haven’t already made it abundantly clear, this is not always the best option. Allow me to spell it out.
1) Friends and family give advice. Therapists don’t. If you have never been to therapy, this might come as a shock to you. Do we explore options? Yes! We also actively listen, validate emotions, challenge stubborn negative thinking patterns. We provide a non-judgmental space and unconditional positive regard. But honestly, you don’t need our advice! You are your own expert on your life-not the therapist. Maybe you need help tapping into some hidden skillsets and unrealized strengths and potentials. That’s where your therapist can help!
2) Loved ones cannot be objective. The advice of loved ones often comes with its own set of biases, worries, fears and opinions. For example, Kelli as a therapist is like “I’m so excited you were accepted to the college of your dreams! This sounds like an amazing opportunity for you! I know moving cross country will be stressful. Let’s talk through some strategies for managing this big change.” But Kelli as a mom is like, “If you think I am paying for out of state tuition, you have lost your dang mind!” Not objective and not helpful, right?
3) The focus of therapy is on you! There is typically some back and forth when it comes to relationships with our loved ones. Something like, “Mom, you raised me and have invested significant time and energy in me…I’ll pay for the drinks at Sonic during our happy hour run. It’s the least I can do.” Or, in the case of me towards my husband, “I really want to hear about your day but first I need to tell you three things that happened to me.” Not the case with therapy. Of course, there is a time and a place for the occasional and intentional self-disclosure from your therapist. But, in general, you won’t be hearing much about the problems with your therapist. The focus of the hour is on YOU! Helping you to find the skills needed to meet your goals…the goals that YOU get to decide! It’s always my hope that my clients can gain skills to help them overcome their current problem. But it is my greater hope that they become better equipped to conquer ANY problem! I’m aiming for a high return on investment here and hopefully my clients are too.
If I may add one more point of clarification, your support system is incredibly important. These relationships are vital to our well-being and will hopefully sustain you long after you have met your goals with your therapist. They can carry you though life’s most difficult moments and maybe even bring a casserole. You need these relationships! But good friends and supportive family will not replace the need for a therapist. Just ask my sister. Her sister is a therapist. But she knows how the sausage is made.
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